Reintegration’s a funny word. Just say it: “reintegration”.
It doesn’t even sound like a real word. More like something some marketing bod came up with during a brainstorming session in a naturally-lit Soho office over a glass table, sushi and wild presumptions of the new female intern’s bedroom habits.
But it is a real word, trust me on this. It must be: Giles Clarke used it. And no one has used as many words – big, small, long, short and superfluous – over the last few months, as Giles Clarke.
That man knows his words, even if he does struggle with the notion that some are private. “Leak” is also a word, but it’s not quite as empowering to say as, “reintegration”.
According to Giles Clarke, Kevin Pietersen will be undergoing a ‘reintegration process.’
Having looked up what this ‘word’ means, and the connotations of this ‘phrase’ (a collection of cool words put together to make some uber-cool chain of words you can use to sound pithy or wear as a watch) I have decided to try and second guess the Baron Silas look-a-like and what this process might entail…
The main issues in this KP saga can be put down to his lack of humour. With that in mind, there is one thing that urgently needs to be addressed.
Parody accounts are funny. It doesn’t matter if they are famous athletes, heads of states or animals – they are genuinely hilarious. Sure, you might not get it at first; some of the jokes may seem tedious, recycled or, you know, not funny. But when a parody account is made about you, you should see that as the highest form of flattery.
For the duration of his central contract, Kevin Pietersen will shadow Graeme Swann, England’s resident “Banter Claus” and seeing what makes him tick; downing jaeger bombs, writing “Bell-End” on Ian Bell’s bat handle, calling Tim Bresnan fat and gurning like a cow being milked by a blind nun with porcupines for hands.
The ECB will send KP, along with the rest of the England players, to a “Love ‘& Conditioning” camp. After an hour long Kumbaya sing-a-long, the team remain in a circle and toss a ball around, with the catcher telling KP how he hurt them. After 25 minutes of silence and 62 drops, Craig Kieswetter clutches on to one.
The money KP has earned while moonlighting as a pundit for ESPN will be “reintegrated” into the pockets of the ECB’s tailor, who has asked for a raise if he is expected to continue turning a blind-eye to some of the garish suits that Giles Clarke and David Collier insist on wearing. He has also vowed to continue tapering the chests of James Anderson’s shirts.
“A world without full view of Jimmy’s nipples is a world I don’t want to be a part of,” he said.
Vithushan Ehantharajah is a freelance sports writer for ESPNCricinfo, The Cricketer and the football magazine FourFourTwo. He also dreams of a world where he is not judged for having cheesecake for breakfast.