The Good – Mike Hussey

Michael Hussey [AUS] – Since you are reading this website, I can safely assume that your life is somewhat consumed by cricket. However, Mike Hussey takes the game uncomfortably seriously. Like when you’re obsessed with a girl and just can’t stop calling her 15 times a day, just to see whether she read that piece you wrote on global warming for the college magazine, and whether she noticed that you cryptically spelled out ‘I LUV U, JENNY’.

Hussey stalks cricket home on the way back from a night out on the town, cornering her in a dark alley and asking why she briefly danced with a male stranger, and whether their casual handshake as she left the club was ‘really necessary’.

When a batsman is given out, he usually trudges back to the dressing room in a somewhat morose state, practising air-shots of his mistimed pull. Not Hussey.

The pitch is Hussey’s home. If an umpire dares give him out, he goes into a state of mild disbelief, as if Asad Rauf has just taken a shit on his finest carpet. Reluctantly, Hussey makes his way off, before realising that he has an opportunity to accost the incoming batsman. He explains to the new bat in no uncertain terms that his defence is to remain watertight, to watch the ball onto the bat, and that you have to watch the ball come out of Mendis’ hand otherwise you’re fucked. Oh, and there are huge gaps on the leg side – target Mohammed Yousuf at midwicket; there’s two there every time.

Hussey is widely called ‘Mr Cricket’ for his overtly obsessive love of the game, but in reality, it’s the type of lame fucking nickname he came up with himself, and told us all that it was one of those things that his teammates christened him with in some sort of obscure initiation ceremony.

Hussey and his wife are the only people to refer to him by his nickname. He contemplated calling himself ‘Bradman 2.0’ and ‘The Hussatron’, but settled on Mr Cricket after noting a potential niche in the Mr Men market.

Hussey famously proclaimed “Brian Lara Cricket is better than having sex,” and as a result, has been virtually celibate since it was released over a decade ago.

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